For forty years, I carried a heavy secret inside a gray duffel bag. Living as Tony, I battled depression and hid my crossdressing from my family, friends, and coworkers. But after attending my first transgender health conference in 2010, the jail doors opened. I finally understood who I was.

The day I transitioned, I finally became free to live my life as Karen. When I was Tony, I was happy, but never the way I am now. In this article, I’ll speak about myself in the third person about Tony, because I am no longer him, and he is so different from who I am today. Tony was highly active — with friends, women, volunteering, going out, and enjoying what he thought was happiness. The problem was that Tony wasn’t truly happy, because he was carrying a big secret and living a double life. Tony was a wonderful man, but living a lie about who he really was inside was tearing him apart.

It all started one evening on November 2, 2017, while I was volunteering at the Gender Conference East in New Jersey. At our staff dinner that evening, I was sitting next to a gentleman named Jean. While we talked, he asked if I had ever given a TEDx talk before. He suggested I pursue one at TEDx Asbury Park, New Jersey, with the upcoming theme of “Passion,” and texted a contact there on the spot.

Like everyone in our community, I’ll never forget my first day back at work after transitioning full-time. For me, that day was October 12, 2010. Let me take you back a few months earlier, to June 2010, when I attended the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference (now called the Philadelphia Trans Wellness Conference).

Since my transition, I’ve faced real challenges and changes in my life. When people say I “made a choice,” they don’t understand that being transgender is a fact of who I am, not a decision — while transitioning was the choice I made to finally live authentically. The way society sometimes treats transgender people can cost us our spouse, children, family, home, work, and friends. Even knowing all of that is possible, many of us still feel we have no choice but to be our true selves, because the pain of hiding can become so unbearable that some in our community tragically die by suicide. After a lot of prayer, I felt a total peace that I was doing the right thing.

Living a double life for 40 years wasn’t easy. I sometimes joke that after all those years, I felt like Superman — dressing as a woman any chance I had. To help you understand, let me start from the beginning, when I was 13 years old and first started dressing. I began by exploring my mother’s closet, admiring all the wonderful clothes she wore, from midi dresses and skirts to minidresses. My mom was stunning in her younger days — honestly, she still is, even now at 83.

Getting sworn into the Maryland Defense Force (MDDF) as a state guard soldier one evening in November 2011 is something I’ll never forget. The MDDF is Maryland’s state defense force, organized as a volunteer military organization that parallels the Maryland National Guard and is designed to provide support during state emergencies.